And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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