where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
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