put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Randomize
