I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
