Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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