He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize