this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
