I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
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