i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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