I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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