My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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