I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Randomize
