i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
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