I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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