Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
