she woke up with a sticky ear
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Randomize
