Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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