So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
