haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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