Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Randomize
