mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Randomize
