did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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