I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
