Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
you had me at cake vodka
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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