why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
