He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
