Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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