Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize