dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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