I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
no you cant smoke seaweed
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
