there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
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