Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
in my opinion joe jonas is kinda pointless. hes just the pretty boy front runner.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
