i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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