If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Randomize
