Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
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