plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
