If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Randomize
