The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
