why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
