My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Randomize
