My boss' voice literally gives me gas
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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