I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Randomize
