WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize