Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize
