I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I said "one day" and that day is not today
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
