My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
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