He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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