It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
