im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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