Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
