one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
