I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
