What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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