So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
