I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
