Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
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