Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize