i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
