I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
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