i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Everclear isn't food dammit
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Randomize
